We Go On
by JMoonrise
Summary: Moving on doesn't mean letting go.
1. Chapter 1

Time was a thief. It kept on stealing until years disappeared. Moments were gone before a person knew it. Opportunities were missed. Too much time had passed until even more time passed, and it became even harder to admit the mistakes of the past.

**2013**

In the two years since had last seen or talked to her, he attempted more than once to contact her, to apologize for leaving her life the way he had. He never imagined when they first became partners, he would depart so abruptly from her life. There was only one time in all their years together where they had gone without any contact whatsoever until a day where everything changed and nothing could or would ever be the same again.

While his actions were justified, he couldn't live with himself after killing Jenna Fox. She was an innocent ruined by the actions of others, and he had taken her life.

He couldn't face Olivia after that. If he had discussed his plans for retirement with her, he knew she could've dissuaded him from leaving the force. However, he was rational enough to know he could never work at the 1-6 again without seeing Jenna dying in his arms. She was a kid who should've been going to her prom and enjoying her life, but instead she was to be buried beside her mother.

Elliot couldn't share those feelings with Olivia. He knew he would be just another person in her life who had disappointed and left her. He didn't even give her a goodbye in person. He wasn't brave enough to call her either after everything or answer her calls. He went on a vacation in the aftermath of everything to avoid seeing her for he knew she would try to get an explanation, but deep down, he knew she understood. The calls eventually ceased and he'd heard she'd been reassigned a new partner.

Once he had seen her with… Cassidy. How that happened, he didn't know, but he wasn't allowed an opinion. It was her life. He wasn't privy to details any longer.

He and Cathy divorced a year after everything. While his occupation had been a huge point of contention between the two of them for so long, they discovered when it was no longer between them, there were still other issues. They weren't the same young people who got married and while they loved each other, it was easy to admit, it was no longer romantic. They were parents. He supposed it should've always been that way, but as Catholics and teens who fancied themselves in love, it made sense.

A lot of things were clearer in his life. His relationships with his children required work for everything he had missed over the years due to the job. Richard and Elizabeth were in college. Maureen was a wife and mother and Kathleen was in grad school. Eli was nearly six and preparing for his first day of school. It was all happening, and so much was already gone.

Elliot sighed as he pulled in front of Cathy's apartment. They had sold their home in Queens. It was his week with Eli. "You're late."

"I know. Traffic was terrible, but I did call this time." Cathy shook her head, kissed Eli, and passed over his backpack.

"Be good for your dad."

"I will mommy."

"I'll be there with you to take him to his first day. We will meet out in front of the school. I still can't believe he's ready for school." It seemed as if it were yesterday his son was born, yet it in other ways it was a lifetime.

Eli never experienced the life of his siblings. His experience would never be theirs, but they were also so much older than him. "I'll see you Tuesday Cathy. Tell Tom I said hello."

"Okay."

"Daddy, did you hear about the cop?"

Elliot glanced at his son in the rearview mirror. "What cop, buddy?"

"Some lady cop was kidnapped. I heard Ms. Lily talking to Mrs. Peters at daycare. What is kidnapped?"

Elliot nearly slammed on the breaks as the car in front of him halted. He had pulled a late night shift doing security detail and hadn't watched the news. He wondered if he knew the officer, but shook his head at the thought. The NYPD was massive and chances were it was unlikely he knew the victim. "We've talked about it before with mommy. Remember how we told you to never go off with a stranger?" Eli nodded his head, his brow slightly furrowed. "That's kidnapping. It's when a person takes another person and they don't want to go with that person."

"Don't police officers have guns? Couldn't she just shoot him or beat him up?"

"It doesn't always work like that."

"Oh."

Elliot made a mental note to talk to the ladies at the daycare and remind them about the presence of young ears when discussing serious events. He didn't want his son thinking about things beyond his age. "Are you ready for school?"

"Uh huh, but do you think the other police people will find her?"

He shifted anxiously in his seat as his son persisted with this topic. Elliot refused to lie to his son, but he also wanted to shelter him from the reality of the world. "I don't know. Sometimes it can be really hard to find people. I hope they do."

It wasn't until he sat down for the nightly news after tucking his son in that he realized he did in fact know the missing police officer. He had known her better than most and failed her in the end. The press was all over the story and Elliot wanted to cry at the sight of her battered face and haunted eyes. That wasn't his Olivia.

In all of his years of knowing her, he had never seen her as he did on his screen. While traumatized about the near rape when she posed as an inmate, it was nothing compared to the sheer brutality that occurred with the monster William Lewis. Elliot knew she would never be the same after that. He wondered if he were still there if he could've prevented it. Would his presence have made a difference? Or were some events meant to happen?

"What did he do to you, Liv?"

Though bruised and not at her best, it did nothing to detract from the elation he felt inside at seeing her. She was still fierce, strong, bold, and beautiful Olivia. He wished he could be there for her, but he knew his presence would be more of a hindrance than anything. He was a ghost of her past and she needed to look forward in the aftermath. It wasn't the first time he wished there wasn't a distance between them, and he could freely call her without fear of what she would say.

Still he would continue to think of her, but he decided he wouldn't linger on his regrets. What was done was done, and there was no changing it.

Elliot made a choice to move forward, but Olivia was never completely gone from his mind. However, she wasn't his Liv anymore. She was someone else.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for following, favoriting, or reviewing this story. I appreciate it. Sorry that it's taken me a long time to update. I've got a lot of WIP's and it can take time for me to get around to finally writing.**

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Time heals all wounds, at least that's what he had always heard. Eventually, a person gets over the hump and the past begins to fade in the distance. Some days, he truly believed he was over Olivia Benson.

He could go long intervals without thinking about her and then catch himself in a moment of weakness where his mind couldn't but drift towards her. He wanted to know what she was doing. How was she fairing after William Lewis? When would it go to trial? How had it changed her? Thoughts of her wellbeing plagued him.

"Dad," Elliot snapped out of his thoughts. Kathleen stood before him with the same annoyed expression her mother perfected over the course of their years together. "I've been trying to get your attention for a while now. Where were you?"

She tended to worry and fret over him the most, perhaps it was they shared a commonality. They both knew what it felt like to lose control and not like the person they'd become. "I was just thinking Katie. That's all." He averted his eyes, hoping she wouldn't continue with her line of questioning. He should've known better.

Katie sighed, disappointed in him. "I worry about you. You're all alone half the time. You don't spend time with your old friends. When was the last time you even talk to Li-"

"It's not your job to worry about me. I'm the parent. I've made some friends at my job and hang with a couple of my old buddies." He saw her frown, and knew he had screwed up when he cut her off from completing Olivia's nickname.

Of all the unexpected things to happen, his children had never expected him to retire from the force or to cut off all contact with his old unit. He avoided going within a mile radius of the precinct if he ever found himself across the river. He couldn't face what happened and it in turn affected all aspects of his life. In the end, it was best for him to leave. He couldn't stay there any longer. Being a cop and locking up the monsters of the world consumed him for so long that he neglected the other parts of his life. He needed to focus on the next part of his life and spending time with his old friends would keep him apart of it all.

She pursed her lips dissatisfied with his answer. "You didn't even reach out to her after what happened last summer. Does she mean so little to you?" Katie was always fond of Olivia and grew to appreciate her even more during her legal troubles and early battles with bipolar disorder. "I just don't understand how you can just cut someone who you saw nearly every day for over a decade just like that."

Katie was the most vocal about his behavior after leaving the 1-6. She encouraged him regularly to reach out, but he refused. He was a coward.

"I don't think my presence would've been appreciated."

She rolled her eyes. "Ugh dad, you're so annoying. She was your best friend."

"Damnit Kate, let it go." He snapped and immediately regretted it. "I'm sorry. I'm not angry with you. I need to focus on the people currently in my life like you and your siblings instead of chasing a ghost from the past. We've gone our separate ways and it's for the best, really." He added when he saw the skepticism written into the lines of her face.

She didn't believe him for a second, but she knew when to pursue and when to drop a lead. "Fine."

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It was a few weeks later when he read about William Lewis' sentence and the outcome of the trial. It was heavily publicized given his victim had been a cop. Olivia's face was plastered on every newspaper across the city. He tried to avoid looking for too long.

The biggest shocker of January came when he heard through the grapevine from some friends still on the force that Olivia had been promoted to Sergeant. He could scarcely believe it. She had never seemed discontent in the past with her position as a detective. They had never discussed the future though and in some respects he barely knew her. Had she been holding herself back because of him? When he considered his future, it was unlikely he would've risen above detective given his history.

Olivia had done it. She was also taking over the 1-6. She would be the new command as Cragen was finally retiring. The shocks didn't stop coming.

He wondered how she was coping with all of the change. First Munch left, now Cragen, who did she have left? He knew Fin would never leave as long as she stayed. He was loyal and had developed a healthy respect for Olivia even when they had different approaches to a case. Elliot knew little about the newer recruits and how Olivia had adjusted in the beginning.

"Dad, why do you look like someone kicked your puppy?"

Elizabeth and Richard stared at him expectantly. He wasn't used to using their given names, but they staunchly protested whenever Lizzie and Dickie slipped. They were nearly 21 years old. How had that much time passed? Eli was six. It was unfathomable that his babies really weren't babies anymore.

"Just thinking," he murmured.

Elizabeth and Rick shared a look at that.

"What?"

"Is this about Liv?"

"Kate said something."

Elliot rolled his eyes. "Of course she did. Your sister thinks and says a lot of things. I'm just waxing poetic is all."

"I don't know," Lizzie started. "You've been so weird since last summer when all that stuff with Liv happened and during the trial, you were being kind of a douche." There was no hint of apology on her face either. "You were on edge the whole time until the verdict was announced on TV."

"Liz is right dad. If you want to call her, there isn't anything to stop you. It is kind of a dick thing to do. You basically ghosted her." Elliot hardly kept up with slang, especially after retiring. "It means you didn't give her any warning before you cut off all communication. I get you wanted to dedicate yourself to us, but we all see how sad you get sometimes. What can a little call hurt? Maybe she would like to talk to you too."

Elliot nearly considered it. However, he remained resolute in not interfering with Olivia's life. He had done enough to her over the years. He would interrupt whatever progress she was making to get over the trauma that happened to her. He knew trials made victims relive their nightmares all over again and with someone like Lewis, he knew she was in agony.

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**Thanks for reading!**


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